Network Working Group B. Hancock
Request for Comments: 1882 Network-1 Software and Technology, Inc.
Category: Informational December 1995
The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas
Status of this Memo
This memo provides information for the Internet community. This memo
does not specify an Internet standard of any kind. Distribution of
this memo is unlimited.
Discussion
On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree
anyway?)
On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is
going on?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It"s a
10GB database!)
On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Three French users (who, of course, think they know
everything)
Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all
over the net)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over
and over)
Three French users (Why do they like to argue so mUCh over
trivial things?)
Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones
they are?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What"s a
pointer error?)
On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they"re better than
silver!)
Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on
hold?
Three French users (No, we don"t have footpedals on PC"s. Why
do you ask?)
Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I
would know which ones to fix!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are
you nuts?!?!)
On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
Four support calls (No, don"t transfer me again - do you HEAR?
Damn!)
Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page
to the screen...)
Two transceiver failures (I can"t look at the LEDs - they"re
in the ceiling!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That"s where this
was written?)
On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Seven license failures (EXPired? When?)
Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to
each other!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide"
SCSI?)
Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this
time...)
Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn"t an
"any" key, but...)
Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would
set it myself!)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk
to Lars - NOW!)
On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They"re a security
violation!)
Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on
updates?!?)
Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It"s supposed to be
fast, isn"t it?)
Four support calls (I already told them that! Don"t transfer
me back - DAMN!)
Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to
end a program)
Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling
transceiver"?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English
in Oslo?)
On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the
servers?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (You"ve been downloading WHAT?)
Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the
network?)
Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same
ID?)
Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that
already.)
Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do
you ask?)
Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find
Lars! L-A-R-S!)
On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens
room? Why?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don"t allow
Internet here!)
Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
Six games a-playing (No, you don"t need a graphics accelerator
for Lotus! )
Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number
before...)
Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it"s a head
crash!)
Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power
connection?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index
pointers?)
On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What"s a MIB, anyway? What"s an
extension?)
Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room
tiles in mauve?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate
dial-in?)
Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we
have?!?!)
Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I
wouldn"t be calling!)
Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your
credit rating!)
Three French users (Don"t hang your floppies with a magnet
again!)
Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector
is bad?)
And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of
that!)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
Twelve virtual pipe connections (There"s only supposed to be
two!)
Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to
do, anyway?)
Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look
like XMas lights.)
Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics
before backups?)
Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during
business hours.)
Seven license failures (We"re all going to jail, I just know
it.)
Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won"t
even boot!)
Four support calls (I don"t have that package! How did I end
up with you!)
Three French users (I don"t care if it is sexy, no more nude
screen backgrounds!)
Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token
ring...)
And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo,
Norway. We were just talking and were cut off...)
Security Considerations
Security issues are not discussed in this memo.
Author"s Address
Bill Hancock, Ph.D.
Network-1 Software & Technology, Inc.
DFW Research Center
878 Greenview Dr.
Grand Prairie, TX 75050
EMail: hancock@network-1.com
Phone: (214) 606-8200
Fax: (214) 606-8220